1. Come, if possible, late, so that the guests already there know that you do have something else to do.

  2. Give your coat to the woman in the Cloakroom.  You're a friendly man and your coat is new.

  3. Sit down haphazardly and noisily.  Then change your seat often until you find one with the right shape.

  4. Read the menu and wine list loudly and emphatically to your companion.  Learn it if possible off by heart, and then order a portion of 'later'.

  5. When everything concerning your material welfare has been looked after, take part - even if at first only unwillingly - in the artistic presentation.  Look upon the conferencier with contempt right from the start.  He's an ass and because of that, let him feel your spiritual superiority.

  6. Time your noisy interjections so that they erupt precisely where they don't fit.  This contributes enormously to enlivening the programme.

  7. If you're a woman, then criticize the dress of the performing artiste boldly and with wit.  (Don't forget your lorgnette as a prop for this.)

  8. During song presentations, aim your cigarette smoke casually toward the podium.  The singer will inhale it willingly.  It makes his voice soft and supple.

  9. During acts, use your cutlery and glasses in an unbothered fashion.  Their sound does one good and replaces the band.

  10. When you have been bored long enough by the programme and have gotten angry over the bill, leave as noisily as you came in with the consciousness of having spent a most enjoyable evening.